Performancing Metrics

Your browser (Internet Explorer 6) is out of date. It has known security flaws and may not display all features of this and other websites. Learn how to update your browser.

1 comment


How to Be Undeniably Attractive – Part 2

Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook after being dumped. The girl he was dating decided that he wasn’t worthy enough, for whatever reason, and cast him aside. Now, Zuckerberg dates super models — or anyone he chooses. Without a doubt, that girl will go to her grave regretting her decision, while the rest of the world thanks her.

You see, Mark Zuckerberg is now “worthy” of attention. He has become alluring to the opposite sex, regardless of his physical appeal. Mark Zuckerberg is now undeniably “attractive.” Attractive to women, attractive to investors, attractive to potential shareholders, heck even Google finds Mark Zuckerberg attractive.

Attraction is based on assets. Either you have more than I have, and I want some of it, or you have what I don’t have and I want some of that, too.

Now, before you come hurtling towards me with the “what about love?” sword, I want you to consider this: do you fall in love with people to whom you are attracted or do you fall in love with people to whom you feel you deserve? The answer really is the basis for your reasons for finding (or not) someone to date, someone to love, someone to marry and someone who will make you happy.

Recently, I posed this provocative observation to several psychiatrists and relationship experts. Overwhelmingly, all of the MDs, PhDs, Esqs and MSs agreed on this: what we are attracted to is based on some component of ourselves and ultimately how we feel — and perceive — ourselves. Childhood experience is a critical contributing factor. It is where the foundation of attraction is built. So let’s go back there.

“The type of guy or gal who turns you on is often rooted in your past. We form our image of what a desirable man or woman should be early on, from interaction with parents and others, media images and important role models” says Tina Tessina, a psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage.(Incidentally, Tina politely asked that I refer to her simply as “Dr. Romance”). Perhaps this explains why we tend to either seek a partner with familiar, comforting traits, or those that are the opposite of us, presumably as it is what we yearn to be? “We seek what we recognize from old family patterns. This is how people can be attracted to alcoholics, batterers or helpless passive/aggressive types” said Tessina, I mean, Dr. Romance.

Cory Honickman, a Los Angeles based psychologist and relationship expert suggests that a childhood filled with neglect will manifest into adulthood, “if your mother was distracted and didn’t make you her number one priority, you would feel attracted to someone who does the same as an adult.” It is interesting to note that Honickman, stresses the importance of the opposite gender parent, “the way [they] related to us, plays a huge role in whether we are attracted to something we cannot have.” How many women do we know that constantly, unconsciously seek out a father figure?

I agree with Honickman, although the person in this particular situation is likely to feel more insecure about themselves, and seek out attention from whomever is willing to grant it. Of course, they can also become over achievers. And this is what constitutes to what is commonly referred to as simply feeling “deserving.”

“If you grew-up in a household and were ignored or unwanted this becomes your norm” suggests Dawn Maslar, author of The Broken Picker Fixer From Heartbreak to Soulmate: Finding the Love You Desire in 12 Weeks or Less. “You equate love with rejection and trying to earn love. Therefore, when you date, you are naturally attracted to what feels memorable, even if it is unhealthy or damaging to your self-esteem.” I find this very disturbing maybe this is why I choose to avoid bars and nightclubs.

“People don’t think they deserve to be loved” said Jason Greenberg, a practicing New York psychologist. He calls it a “hidden agenda” that many people have and are simply unaware of. Greenberg agrees that this could be a reason why we are attracted to who or what we cannot have, although he stresses that rejection isn’t always a turn-on, “People are so afraid of loss it is safer to go for others who are unavailable.”

But what about the often cast aside, proverbial “easy ones?” Are these the unfortunate victims of self proclaimed people who claim to like a challenge? “If it came too easy, you don’t feel like you earned it, making it all the easier to walk away” suggests Ron Deline, a professional dating coach in Washington, D.C. “Most women inherently know this, but many men who have trouble with [keeping] women, tend to put women on too high of a pedestal” he said.  “If a conquest is easy, it indicates to us that we are dating “down” and we may not stay for long” agreed Dr. Wendy Walsh, author of The Boyfriend Test and The Girlfriend Test.

“The trick is for both partners to maintain the belief system that they have captured a prize” Walsh advises. Deline went on to suggest that “at the core of any successful relationship, there needs to be a bit of tension. And, it has to be managed/fostered throughout the life of a relationship. Without tension, you lose attraction, interest, love — everything can fall apart” he said. I am not sure tension is the word I would use, or even suggest. Mystique, instead, might serve to induce desire. And desire, is definitely a positive component of attraction.

Speaking of desire, there is one trait that I find undeniably alluring, a smile. People who always have a smile on are just so damned attractive. Perhaps it is because they are presumably more approachable? Tracey Steinberg, a life coach says it best, “In my opinion, the greatest aphrodisiac is being approachable.