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Falcon Lair

How to End a Relationship and Move On with Your Life

If life is all about growth, then the person we are allowing into our life, should be one who uplifts us, support us and certainly, challenges us. But, if that person now only reminds us of our flaw(s), not with words, but by actions, then it might be time to look into a different mirror.

o feel better about yourself is not a solid, productive reason for being with someone.Two people getting together, should serve to do better together — as a couple — what it is they cannot do on their own. To feel better about yourself is not a solid, productive reason for being with someone. You cannot possibly begin to love anyone if you do not love yourself. Of course, it helps if they love you, but sometimes — and by “sometimes” I mean most times — someone who claims to love you may be doing so without first loving themselves. And this, could very well be the first indication that the relationship is doomed.

Which makes me wonder, are we like magnets; attracting what we project? And if what we are projecting is dissatisfaction, then is that what we will end up attracting?

Do not believe that you can change someone; this is taking the well-paved road of frustration lined with concrete barricades of disappointment. The only person you can change is yourself. Let go and move on. Here’s how:

Be honest: This is about helping someone, not hurting them, and lies or untruths will only require additional explanation, the need for clarification and ultimately, prevent closure. “We’ve grown apart and I feel we are attempting to salvage something that has died. I won’t be coming back” is how I ended my last relationship. This was difficult to accept, however admitting it — to yourself — is a critical, first step. Unless they disagree, there is nothing left to be said.

Realize memories cannot be the present: as fondly and as beautiful as a recollection is, it is in the past. Often we tend to delve there attempting to reclaim the feelings we once experienced. A memory can only evoke a feeling, it will not resurrect the lost enthusiasm. Don’t be fooled into thinking you can be persuaded with “what we once had” pleas. Either you or they have changed and like any experiment, changing one variable, will affect the end result.

Be careful whom you talk to: remember, “misery loves company,” and many people are seeking relationships for the wrong reasons. If the person you are with possesses the traits commonly accepted as “good enough” then a proper, honest perspective cannot be attained from anyone in an unhappy or unfulfilling relationship. Be mindful too, that if your friends are also single, they may not have your best interests in mind. Your gut is a good enough indicator, trust it. If it doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t.

Don’t say let’s be friends: it’s cliche and dismissive. Friendship is built on mutual trust and support. This is what was lost. Time is also a considerable and often critical factor when it comes to getting to know someone, be it mutual affection exclusive of sexual relations. If you were meant to be friends, you would be either before the relationship or sometime after, without intent and instinctively. And this, could very well be a point of rediscovery and ultimately new possibilities.

It’s totally okay for someone to love you; but no one says that you must love them back. And, if you don’t, at least don’t hurt them. Remember, “If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them.” – The Dali Lama

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  • I think we all need these reminders from time to time. We are too afraid to do the hard things in life but the benefits can be absolutely amazing.

    Gena Morris

    11:06 pm
    08/08/2011

  • I am a firm believer that you attract what you give off and who you are. Your opinion of yourself and how you view yourself are big issues in relationships. You big up a major issue for what it is all about and comes down to: communication. Even if that dialogue is just with yourself – it is a conversation you must have to be a better person.

    David

    1:01 am
    26/07/2011

  • Nicely said. You should write more posts like this one.

    Amy Segel

    7:07 pm
    24/07/2011

  • Hi Jen – Yes, I agree with your insight. Perhaps instead of “seeking love” outside of ourselves, we seek to find what barriers to being loved might exist.

    Stefan Pinto

    4:02 pm
    21/07/2011

  • Stefan, this makes me sad. But I do agree with the part about not being able to love anyone if you do not love yourself. A lot of times I feel people hope to find someone who will fill the “love void” that they have. It’s a hard task!

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